85 PERCENT SHINIER (PLUS FOOTNOTES)

(I’m a little egotistical and I love to hear myself talk.(1) So, in order to be more organized in commenting on my own comments, I’m trying a little experiment using footnotes instead of constantly parenthesizing everything. Don’t get me wrong, I love the parentheses and the important purpose they serve society, but it I think it starts to wear on you after a while. I’d love to hear pros and cons from everyone, after which, I’ll completely ignore your input and do what I want anyway. Thank you.)

I do my best thinking in the shower. Strange but true. If you think about it,(2) I’ve been showering for 30 years,(3) so I can basically just put my brain on cruise control and go through the established routine. It’s not like I’m suddenly doing things in a different order and have to concentrate so I don’t forget to wash my left ear or something.(4) This leaves me a solid 10 minutes(5) or so for what basically amounts to free association thinking.

You will be happy(6) to hear that today’s shower was another tribute to routine and consistency. I was enjoying hot water, the refreshing scent of Irish Spring and the musical stylings of 107.7 FM.(7) I washed my hair, reached for the conditioner, and… whoa.

I had never noticed(8) before but my conditioner claimed in large letters(9) that it could now make my hair 85% shinier! How could anyone not feel excitement about this?(10) As I thought about it, I became sure that in most circles,(11) shiny hair equals hotness. I have never before cared about my hair’s level of shininess and am still quite single. This is certainly not a coincidence.(12) Over 92% of couples that have been together for 10 years or more have attributed their success to establishing a minimum level of hair shininess for themselves early on and building on that solid foundation.(13)

In the midst of my joy a little bit of doubt started to creep in. I asked myself,(14) “How do you measure shininess? What’s the base level of shininess that the original conditioner provided? How do they figure out what is 85% shinier than before? Why are New Kids on the Block still making ‘music’ and why do some people actually think this is a good thing? Do they do it just to hurt me?"(15)

Friends, this, of course, is one of the great mysteries of the universe. It’s like the sphinx, Stonehenge, crop circles, and the popularity of boy bands. How do you amp up conditioner so that it can make your hair shinier than previous versions of the same conditioner were able to do?(16) We may never know. What is certain is that we live in an amazing country, in an amazing time.(17)

God bless America and our sexy shiny hair.(18)

FOOTNOTES:

1. When you’re this brilliant, who wouldn’t love it?

2. Please don’t think about it… pervert.

3. If you do the math, showering for 30 years means I’ve taken a few dozen showers in my time. Probably closer to 100 – give or take a handful.

4. In the words of Kevin McCallister in Home Alone:

“I took a shower washing every body part with actual soap; including all my major crevices; including in between my toes and in my belly button which I never did before but sort of enjoyed. I washed my hair with adult formula shampoo and used cream rinse for that just-washed shine. I can't seem to find my toothbrush, so I'll pick one up when I go out today. Other than that, I'm in good shape.”

I learned the joys of cleaning my belly button early on and therefore have a pretty solid routine once I enter the shower. Any exceptions are usually caused by the occasional sunburn and allow me to skip certain body parts, use only cold water, or yell in absolute rage at the shower for spraying hot water on me even though it knows I’m in pain.

5. Yeah, I said, “10 minutes.” Who are you to judge me?!

6. Don’t deny it, you’re happy.

7. “The End” for those of you scoring at home.

8. A more accurate statement would be that “I never cared.”

9. In e-mails and text messages, all caps or large letters mean shouting. In advertising it means, “This is so totally 110% true. I’m not even lying!”

10. I don’t get out much.

11. People that bathe regularly.

12. Actually, it may be a coincidence.

13. This may be true. Emily, you don’t know! Okay, then, disprove it! Yeah, that’s what I thought.

14. Who doesn’t talk to themselves? Don’t judge.

15. Also, why am I saying all of this out loud?

16. Steroids.

17. You doubt this? Two words: Michael Phelps. YEAH AMERICA RULEZ!!!

18. Specifically, my sexy, shiny hair. Don’t hate.